I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
and she was petting her beer can
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
