and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
how does that bad decision feel?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
