i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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