i'm signing you up for texting rehab
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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