My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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