Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Randomize
