it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
