i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
