sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
