Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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