Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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