I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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