Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
