i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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