please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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