Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
