I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I need water and some morals
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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