I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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