So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
