oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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