You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
And the cops told us we were all naked.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
