I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
