How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
