i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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