So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
