Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Your dad touched me again.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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