know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
