I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
