Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
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