Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
