happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
