I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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