If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
