you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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