so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize