the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
