A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
