Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
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