no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
