my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
