I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
