She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
