you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
