We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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