There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
