my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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