I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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