i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
