It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
