i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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